Till Death Do Us Part...
As I am about to take the plunge, this issue has been making me think a lot. Marriage used to serve a lot of purposes, and we all have to admit, some of those have changed. A woman can buy property now, and take care of herself. And all that jazz. But when we get married, is it our main priority that the other will never leave us? If so, what a dangerous proposition? If that is the case, then it's like fishing. You wait until one is hooked, reel em in, and then watch them flop around until they die, since they can't get out of the boat. Wow, that sucks.
People change. Their likes, their dislikes, their needs, their ways. I mean, when we marry, we can't say I promise that all i am now today is what I will be to you forever. Life goes on, but events and circumstances can really send two people on different paths. I don't see why that is so forbidden.
We can prepare for a lot of them. We should expect that one of the two of us, if not both, will be faced with temptation. How will we handle that? Do we both acknowledge that that does not mean we do not love one another? Is it not entirely natural?
We have to be careful though. If we ignore someone long enough, we can't expect them to be waiting for us when we meander on back. But we need separate lives too, so we are not smothered. So we can develop naturally and not just spend all of life in one big compromise. He likes Vegas, she likes the beach... so must they always end up in a watered-down version of Vegas with a dirty beach? (Anyone heard of Laughlin?)
Some of us do just want that security, that no matter what, he will not leave. That scares the crap out of me. I mean, should I become a lazy, depressed, shut-in, he has to stay and resent me and secretly pray for my untimely demise? As opposed to doing all he can to bring me out of it, but if no change in sight, free himself and live a little? Or worse, what about the Scott Peterson way out?
Being dumped or abandoned sucks. I feel for all of them. But there is more life to be lived.
A guy I hardly know stopped by the other day and decided to confide in me. He is married to a woman. Five years. she has a child who needs round-the-clock care. He helps. He loves them both. But....he and her do not talk, do not laugh, do not sleep in the same room. She refuses to get help with her apparent depression. She rarely leaves the home. SHe is always grumpy, demanding. She wants him home watching t.v. with her 7 nights a week. He is 50, and restless. Although he is clearly torn and up to his eyeballs in guilt, he is entertaining an affair. Not sexual... but he is elated. He is drunk with excitement, his mind is occupied, and he feels more alive. I wonder, what does that wife of his want? Really. Him to compromise, him to come home and be miserable. Or for him to be set free to live. Will she be the same either way?
Another girl I know, but not well is entering her second decade of marriage and has been completely sexless for the last few years. They are young and healthy. They spend some time together, but it's all obligatory. No fun. They won't end it because "they made a committment."
As I go into my marriage, I commit to being as happy as we can, working at keeping up with each other.. knowing where we are and what we want, compromising if needed, and expecting some low times. But if someday my husband shall lay in bed beside me and wish me dead, or just gone.... I am ok with the end. It's not a failure to me. We are best friends, and I hope we would never grow too far apart, but I don't want to be naive or paranoid. This ring around my finger will never take away from my free-will. If I ain't happy, and KNOW I ain't going to be, I'm out.
Am I a sham for getting married? What if this what I want from marriage?
People change. Their likes, their dislikes, their needs, their ways. I mean, when we marry, we can't say I promise that all i am now today is what I will be to you forever. Life goes on, but events and circumstances can really send two people on different paths. I don't see why that is so forbidden.
We can prepare for a lot of them. We should expect that one of the two of us, if not both, will be faced with temptation. How will we handle that? Do we both acknowledge that that does not mean we do not love one another? Is it not entirely natural?
We have to be careful though. If we ignore someone long enough, we can't expect them to be waiting for us when we meander on back. But we need separate lives too, so we are not smothered. So we can develop naturally and not just spend all of life in one big compromise. He likes Vegas, she likes the beach... so must they always end up in a watered-down version of Vegas with a dirty beach? (Anyone heard of Laughlin?)
Some of us do just want that security, that no matter what, he will not leave. That scares the crap out of me. I mean, should I become a lazy, depressed, shut-in, he has to stay and resent me and secretly pray for my untimely demise? As opposed to doing all he can to bring me out of it, but if no change in sight, free himself and live a little? Or worse, what about the Scott Peterson way out?
Being dumped or abandoned sucks. I feel for all of them. But there is more life to be lived.
A guy I hardly know stopped by the other day and decided to confide in me. He is married to a woman. Five years. she has a child who needs round-the-clock care. He helps. He loves them both. But....he and her do not talk, do not laugh, do not sleep in the same room. She refuses to get help with her apparent depression. She rarely leaves the home. SHe is always grumpy, demanding. She wants him home watching t.v. with her 7 nights a week. He is 50, and restless. Although he is clearly torn and up to his eyeballs in guilt, he is entertaining an affair. Not sexual... but he is elated. He is drunk with excitement, his mind is occupied, and he feels more alive. I wonder, what does that wife of his want? Really. Him to compromise, him to come home and be miserable. Or for him to be set free to live. Will she be the same either way?
Another girl I know, but not well is entering her second decade of marriage and has been completely sexless for the last few years. They are young and healthy. They spend some time together, but it's all obligatory. No fun. They won't end it because "they made a committment."
As I go into my marriage, I commit to being as happy as we can, working at keeping up with each other.. knowing where we are and what we want, compromising if needed, and expecting some low times. But if someday my husband shall lay in bed beside me and wish me dead, or just gone.... I am ok with the end. It's not a failure to me. We are best friends, and I hope we would never grow too far apart, but I don't want to be naive or paranoid. This ring around my finger will never take away from my free-will. If I ain't happy, and KNOW I ain't going to be, I'm out.
Am I a sham for getting married? What if this what I want from marriage?
posted by Knows It All @ 7:32 AM
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