Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you?

Some of us have better eyesight than others, some have better hearing, and some of us have a more-sensitive sense of smell. But even those of average smelling capabilities run across those disturbing scenarios where somebody, that is the "body" of someone smells a bit ....wrong. I experienced an unbelievable scenario that has me thinking about the smelly folk: some innocent, some oblivious, some proud, some humble, some just sick.

On the end of the scale where the offensive odor is minimal, or only occassional, I can deal. You know, someone smells sour and funky from drinking themselves silly the night before, and now they smell like they have been soaking in it. It oozes out of their pores, and you don't want to be near it, but unless they regularly smell like that...you don't delete them from your cellphone.

I personally am more bothered by the subtle "ickiness" of some people's natural smell, I mean even when they are spic-and-span clean. This guy I dated smelled like sausages. I used to pass by this factory sometimes that smelled like some weird metallic burn and sausages mixed, and I'd think to myself "That factory smells like they are making Mikes!" Ouch, sorry Mike. It was way subtle, but it was THERE. I now am a firm believer of pheromones since my fiance never smells bad at all! Even when he is all sweaty. (Not that I don't think that is gross, it's just not the smell of it!) But when the smell of someone makes your tummy flip in a bad way, how are you going to stick with that? I read somewhere that women are attracted to men who smell like their dads and it could be related to some genetic matching to reduce risks of birth defects. Who knows? All I know is that when someone sleeps in your bed and as soon as he leaves all you want to do is wash your bedding...shit ain't right. (However, I find it equally creepy to be obsessed with smelling your mate's worn clothes and stuff....yuck. It's dirty and his dead skin flakes are all on that.)

I used to work with this guy who was annoying on a million levels. He is a total wanna-be "Alex P Keaton" in a sweater vest. His pants were always up his butt, bunched in the crack. So he was disturbing. But he had this weird ass "basil" smell. He always smelled like some weird herb, and not that popular herb that people use in brownies! It just surrounded him, and I don't like that he had an identifiable smell...I mean, it's preferable to never be "smelled" than to have this scent, right?

The other end of the spectrum is having a scent, that is not "weird" but obvious and we all know what it is and where it is coming from. Oh man. Shoot me if I smell like that. I used to work with this woman who would always wear skirts, and she just smelled like she needed a douche. No other way to say it. One of my brash co-workers mentioned it to her, in the form of "Hey, has anyone ever told you that your cat stinks?" She had been told, and informed us of a medical condition. However, why wear skirts and flaunt the issue? I had tried to hint in the form of showergel and other scented items as a gift. I feel sorry for someone who cannot help it, but they are rare.

This other type are the Pigpens of the world. They just like being all smelly and they thrive in it. This dude I worked with always smelled like urine, but I had to learn this. I mean you don't want to suspect a co-worker is a Stinker. So, me being me, always sticking my foot in my mouth said in a crowded room full of criminals that smelled like a urinal, "Smells like someone needs to change their diaper!" in a totally pretentious tone. He very matter-of-factly said, "Oh, it's probably me, my wife keeps the litter box in the closet with my suits." Umm... what? I think I just sat there with a look of shock on my face and looked towards the rows of incarcerated men in chains that were in court, and they were all making faces that seemed to mean "Sick MotherFucker". So, I forget that that conversation occurred, and a few weeks later, he and I are in an elevator together, alone and I am overwhelmed by the urine smell. So, being an idiot, I say "Whew, I think someone peed in the corner of this elevator." He looks at me like DUH! He says "I told you, it's me. I smell like urine." What could I do? I just said, "Oh that's right. I forgot." But I said it with a friendly smile. Sick MotherFucker.

But the motivation behind this post. Today I was in Court with a social worker. We had to wait for court to start, we were sitting side by side at a table in court. next thing I know, I am literally blown over with a cloud of foot funk. She had kicked off her heels and had her leg crossed on her lap. She's swinging her leg back and forth just kicking up the shit. What was I to do? I mean, it was bad!!! I excused myself and tried to kill time to avoid it, but I had to return. I powered through, probably with a look of discomfort on my face the whole time, and when we were leaving and she was stretching her toes to grab her shoe from the floor, she said. "Dude, I wish my feet weren't always kickin'. I love being barefoot but it's kind of rude to pollute the world around me. Could you smell that?" I tactfully said, "Oh yeah, a little.." She explained, "Yep, but I figure if you hate having me in court, you won't subpoena me as much". No smile, no laugh. I think she was fucking serious. She tactically used her germ-infested feet to annoy me. She risked the humilation of being funky as a weapon. Sick MotherFucker.