My Inner Bert

There was an old standard routine between Bert and Ernie when it came to getting ready for bed. Bert wanted quiet and peace to sleep. Ernie had sniffles, etc. Drinks of water. Etc. Well, sometimes I'm Bert. Sometimes, I'm Ernie.

BERT CAN'T SLEEP

Usually El Guapo insists on watching tv at bedtime. So I fall asleep listtening to Jim Rome, Tony Cornheiser and other random voices of ESPN. If that fails, then I am usually hearing Frodo and Friends on some loud and scary adventure. I'm used to that. I'm even used to my porno neighbors. Even if she is REALLY pregnant and they have alot of dirty exchanges. Loudly. I'm used to that now. Usually, I stillhave to crack a smile. Or I'll whisper to El Guapo my shock.

I have learned to accept the way Brother-In-Law slams all doors and pounds down stairs. Washer and Dryer doors. TOilet seats. He does not know how to do anything softly. It still wakes me, but I can go back to sleep.

One of my neighbors has a duck. It quacks randomly. Freaks me out. In the nearby neighborhood, there lives a rooster who does his duty, and wakes me. But as that is part of city-living and nature's law, I'm not too pissed. Mind you, why anyone has a duck for pet and puts them on the porch is beyond me.

But the latest thing is driving me insane. We have hard-wired smoke detectors. They use electric power and not batteries. For the last few months, the one in BIL's bedroom has been sporaditically screeching with warning chirps. "Chirp" is such a misleading term. "Chirp" sounds slight or subtle. This is a high-pitched piercing chirp. ANd it's loud.

WE turn on the loud a/c for the white noise. The bathroom fan too. Pillows on my head. CHIRP. CHIRP. Every 2 minutes. It never strikes during times that the maintenance people are on duty. No....only at 2 .m. on a Sunday. So, it always seems to right itself, and we fail to have them come over.

Internet research reveals that the filter is likely dusty or blocked. It was happening more when BIL would leave his window open, and since we live in the dry desert, that made sense. So he stopped. Well, apparently, there are more things to annoy the damn thing.

I was looking forward to sleeping in today. Had a nice dinner and wine with friends, new sheets, El Guapo is home from Vegas. No chores today. It's raining. BIL is out of town. It was set for a perfect sleep.

And then the mother F8cking CHIRP. At 4 a.m. It's now 9 a.m. and I have been up for 5 hours. REady to kill someone. I've pulled it out of the wall. There is no obvious way to shut the thing up. If I had a shotgun....oh yes, I would. It really frustrates me that El Guapo sleeps right through it! Well, at least he can sleep. If he couldn't, he'd be a bear.

Well, at least there's the sound and smell of desert rain to soothe my anger. Hot tea. Jazz. So maybe I am sleep-deprived, but it's still a good morning. With the doors and windows open, the rain on the street and the thunder ALMOST drown out the CHIRP.