You got a friend....
To you,
I know you don't get online much, so I am thinking you will never read this. And that's too bad, since I really want you to know this. I could pick up the phone and call you, but there is always the risk that you will get the wrong idea or have false hope that what I say is only part of what I feel. I know maybe you wouldn't, but this is kind of sappy and maybe out of line for two friends, who were once more than friends....
When we were together, you were there for me in ways that no one will ever know. I selfishly pray that I will never hit such low points again, but if I did, I know that you would care for me if I asked, just as you did when you were merely 19. And I have a partner who is to be my husband that will fill that role, but there is a sense of security knowing that if he were not there, you would be, but not as a lover or husband. As a friend, much like my other friends, but you're level of sacrifice has always amazed me. Even when we were more than friends, you were a friend first. That is so rare and you are blessed with that. Anyone who has not seen that is missing out, but maybe I am just one of the few who has seen it, and for that I am lucky. Your outer act is so transparent to me, but keep it up. If not, you will be abused.
It breaks my heart to see how insecure you are about yourself and your life. What you do for a living and how much you earn is so insignificant in who you are as a person. Yes, I did say that you made me feel fat and ugly and nervous. But I know that you did not mean too and that you were just so insecure and that's what your parents taught you. I know you know that I could never accept that. Your own inseucrity defeats you day in and day out. I just want you to be aware of it so that you don't lose anyone else. You deserve someone to be happy with. Love her for what she is and dont' expect the world.
Please don't think that I am too good for you, that you are not worthy to be my friend. That is so beyond absurd. I don't need you to understand the complexities of hot legal issues to enjoy having a good time with you. Don't you remember I am a dipshit who loves all kinds of juvenile discussions? Make me laugh with your silly stories. Just be you and I am still me and we can still laugh. Besides, I was always WAY SMARTER than you, even without the degrees! :)
I know it took a lot for you to tell me what you did. I know that we are not as close as we once were so you could not know that I am not quite as hard-headed and judgemental as I used to be. You'd be surprised. If we had the time, I'd tell you. And you would be cool and understand becasue that is who you are. But, even so, you told me that. Even though I'm sure you expected that I would be mean and judgemental. I saw that look in your eye. But I see no evil. Or selfishness. I see honesty and practicality that I used to be afraid of. Thank you for trusting me. I hope I reacted in a good way for you. You are good, and if you were not, I would not seek you out and ask you to still be my friend.
Thank you for understanding that a 18-year old me and the 30-year old me, are very different, but some of the fundamentals are the same. We shared so much in those years, and I would find it so sad to just close that door and go on as if you don't exist. We exist, we are just different. And those differeces have us in different places, but once in a while I want to hear about your life and your struggles. And I will tell you that I care. And I will always tell you to smarten up and stop getting into shit.
You are a good dad. You are a good son, brother, friend. God, you even are good to George. And even though someitmes your thoughts and attitudes drive me insane, and I can only take you in small doses (because I really don't care about cars and fishing), I am so glad that I can call you my friend. Very very few people have seen the extermely vulnerable side of me, but you have and you took care of me. You comforted me through a lot of ugliness. And I will always be grateful for that.
I can't expain it anymore than this. When I see you, I am happy to. I want to give you a hug and a smile. And I will not be there for more than an hour or two, and I hope you find one who will love you everyday and every hour like I have, but I also hope that 20 years from now.. I will still have a beer with my friend. you will alwyas crack me up and you will always be good. And yes, that is enough.
Choose to be happy. Seeing you feel low is out of character and I know I can't help, except to tell you what I did tell you. It was so good to see you. Even if we did have to talk about some ugly things that are happening to you right now.
Don't worry! You will be fine. And thanks again. For all you are now and ever were.
Your friend always---
ME
I know you don't get online much, so I am thinking you will never read this. And that's too bad, since I really want you to know this. I could pick up the phone and call you, but there is always the risk that you will get the wrong idea or have false hope that what I say is only part of what I feel. I know maybe you wouldn't, but this is kind of sappy and maybe out of line for two friends, who were once more than friends....
When we were together, you were there for me in ways that no one will ever know. I selfishly pray that I will never hit such low points again, but if I did, I know that you would care for me if I asked, just as you did when you were merely 19. And I have a partner who is to be my husband that will fill that role, but there is a sense of security knowing that if he were not there, you would be, but not as a lover or husband. As a friend, much like my other friends, but you're level of sacrifice has always amazed me. Even when we were more than friends, you were a friend first. That is so rare and you are blessed with that. Anyone who has not seen that is missing out, but maybe I am just one of the few who has seen it, and for that I am lucky. Your outer act is so transparent to me, but keep it up. If not, you will be abused.
It breaks my heart to see how insecure you are about yourself and your life. What you do for a living and how much you earn is so insignificant in who you are as a person. Yes, I did say that you made me feel fat and ugly and nervous. But I know that you did not mean too and that you were just so insecure and that's what your parents taught you. I know you know that I could never accept that. Your own inseucrity defeats you day in and day out. I just want you to be aware of it so that you don't lose anyone else. You deserve someone to be happy with. Love her for what she is and dont' expect the world.
Please don't think that I am too good for you, that you are not worthy to be my friend. That is so beyond absurd. I don't need you to understand the complexities of hot legal issues to enjoy having a good time with you. Don't you remember I am a dipshit who loves all kinds of juvenile discussions? Make me laugh with your silly stories. Just be you and I am still me and we can still laugh. Besides, I was always WAY SMARTER than you, even without the degrees! :)
I know it took a lot for you to tell me what you did. I know that we are not as close as we once were so you could not know that I am not quite as hard-headed and judgemental as I used to be. You'd be surprised. If we had the time, I'd tell you. And you would be cool and understand becasue that is who you are. But, even so, you told me that. Even though I'm sure you expected that I would be mean and judgemental. I saw that look in your eye. But I see no evil. Or selfishness. I see honesty and practicality that I used to be afraid of. Thank you for trusting me. I hope I reacted in a good way for you. You are good, and if you were not, I would not seek you out and ask you to still be my friend.
Thank you for understanding that a 18-year old me and the 30-year old me, are very different, but some of the fundamentals are the same. We shared so much in those years, and I would find it so sad to just close that door and go on as if you don't exist. We exist, we are just different. And those differeces have us in different places, but once in a while I want to hear about your life and your struggles. And I will tell you that I care. And I will always tell you to smarten up and stop getting into shit.
You are a good dad. You are a good son, brother, friend. God, you even are good to George. And even though someitmes your thoughts and attitudes drive me insane, and I can only take you in small doses (because I really don't care about cars and fishing), I am so glad that I can call you my friend. Very very few people have seen the extermely vulnerable side of me, but you have and you took care of me. You comforted me through a lot of ugliness. And I will always be grateful for that.
I can't expain it anymore than this. When I see you, I am happy to. I want to give you a hug and a smile. And I will not be there for more than an hour or two, and I hope you find one who will love you everyday and every hour like I have, but I also hope that 20 years from now.. I will still have a beer with my friend. you will alwyas crack me up and you will always be good. And yes, that is enough.
Choose to be happy. Seeing you feel low is out of character and I know I can't help, except to tell you what I did tell you. It was so good to see you. Even if we did have to talk about some ugly things that are happening to you right now.
Don't worry! You will be fine. And thanks again. For all you are now and ever were.
Your friend always---
ME
posted by Knows It All @ 6:54 PM
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