I love him, I love him not.....I'm a BAD girl

Ok, so not that bad. But I am breaking rules right now for two reasons. One, I am supposed to be at the gym, but I "opted out". Fat-Ass. Two, I am supposed to be "getting over it" with respect to by disappointment and disillusion that a person I always thought was smart, moral, interesting, and respectable -- just isn't my idol anymore. Fiance tells me to move on and grow up, that it was an illusion in my own mind which it was, but it's a little unsettling for me. I'm all worked up about it.

He's not only a cheap ass, but he is well-to-do. Now, I see that there is a correlation there. One does not end up with money to save shoudl they handle money the way yours truly does. True That. And, we come from a life of public housing, food stamps, and the like, so to him maybe security is more valued than manicures and stuff. But live a little man. He was put off by going to a restaurant where the entrees were like $13. He's visiting, and it is sort of a special occassion when he is meeting the husband-to-be of his younger sis. Sorry!

He criticizes my housekeeping. "Your dad clearly hasn't been here in a while. Your dad always dusted everything." Umm... yeah, cuz I'm 31, and clean my own goddamn house however I want to. The hotel is across the street, but it ain't free.

He disapproves of the way I behave at work. "You should talk more professionally. You should buy better furniture. You should clean off your desk everynight. You shoudl encourage more unity" Excuse me, I don't think I asked for your assessment.

He thinks working in public service is stupid, since you will never get rich. And he has no symapthy for those who have not made it out of the struggle. He does not believe in "rights." Yet, he has no suggestions as to how to make the world a BETTER place, just better ways to grow capital. As if the world is all about money. Gag me.

"What happened to Dad? He was always a Republican, and now he's a Democrat, and he's all about gay rights and stuff". Umm... he learned more about things and once he left the military and the brainwashing wore off and he escaped church and military control and thought about shit on his own, he came to different conclusions. Maybe beating the crap out of and/or simmply tormenting homosexuals serves no good purpose? Duh. What's your fucking excuse?

"Why don't you have FOX news as a favorite in your TV?" Are you fucking kidding me?

"I don't have a problem with the government listening in to my phone calls since I have nothing to hide...I don't put myself in situations where i would be risking anything....that's how I live, if those who have something to hide feel differently, I disagree." Really, cuz I think July 21, 1992 ought to ring a bell- fucker.

Oh, what's that? You are floored that some professional athlete just got convicted for "attempting" to arrange a drug deal over his cell phone? You think that's crazy? Well, you just said... that listening in on phone converations is fine to you. Oh.....you got nothing on that?

When we suggest to you that government-controlled morality and control as acceptable ways of life may depend on who's in charge, at what time, then sometimes EVEN YOU could be accused of immorality? Ever heard of Hitler? The Taliban? Or are you not afraid based on what your Church teaches you? Where did you lose your sense of self?

And, my future brother-in law is OSCAR, not Carlos. Are you dyslexic? He didn't think your name was Cock. Though, in some circles.....on some days.

GOD! You used to be sort of nice and fun. Now you are a money-obsessed stick in the mud. Does NOTHING interest you? Has the world done you so wrong sour grapes? It's not my fault you married a woman from another social class that you had nothing in common with. Did it make you feel better about your poor brown self? Does it now?

Is there something about me that makes you envious or pissed at yourself? that I am choosing to marry a friend, who sees the world like me? Who loves me for me? Who lived like we did and is still a happy soul? Is it that I am just happy? That I don't need to be rich? That I am so compassionate? WHat is it? What makes you so mad at me and life?

Ok, I am feeling better. Thank god you don't blog. Cuz now that I have vented, now I feel sad for you. What is there that will make you happier? Do you need to be supported? Do you need SOMEONE to be proud of you? I am. God, have I ever even told you that? Has anyone? Even if you are a stupid Republican... shit! Even if you are the most boring man I have to spend time with. You are a good person, just grumpy. You are smart--- about money. You have achieved more that most thought, and you are a good dad. And you have been there for me a million times, so dammit I love you. You may have hurt me and disappointed me, and I need to get over it... and you may not be as "intelligent" as I recall, well.... liberal anyway.... but you are blood. And so you will always be in my Top 10 of people I love, need, and RESPECT.

May the JURY GODS bless you and never let you on a jury!!! God help the filthy accused if you were on it. Seriously, may you find some peace and happiness. Let the dark parts of your heart leave. Find some joy.