DolphinRider!

The girls and I are headed to Miami next week for one of our R&R weekends and I am so excited. Sun, friends, booze, and no work...ideal. But a few of them have a hankering to swim with "the dolphins!" The thought of me in a big-ass fish tank, bobbing around like a dork in a life jacket, is so not my idea of fun in Miami. Sorry girls...but seriously. First off, I'm not that great of a swimmer, so the life jacket is not optional. Second, call it what you want, but fundamentally we are jumping in a big fish tank that serves as home, toilet, mating facility, and circus ring to the dolphin all at once. I'm sure it smells really nice too. Our cool factor is so depreciated by being tourists that dolphinswim, right?

But even if coolness is no factor, there are gross-out factors. This is supposed to sound fun? Maybe when I was 11. At 11, unicorn sticker swapping was fun. At that age, when I probably saw a few Flipper reruns, swimming with dolphins may have been an appealing idea. But I would't have been thinking about the thought of dolphin turds getting caught in my life jacket, or dolphins that are "in season". But at this point, that's all I can imagine.

If just jumping in the tank and touching them is not enough fun and excitement, for your $150, one of the girls tells me that you even get to ride one. Holy shit. What kind of tool would I be if I am like cruising in circles like an idiot, around and around the fish tank, on a dolphin? I'm not sure if you stand up and hold reigns like a chariot rider, or lay down and grasp the fin, or straddle the thing like a horse...Chariot style is clearly preferred. Luwanna at least has a point about straddling horse style: it's kinda cool if you get to go bareback, a la Lady Godiva! I kind of doubt this will be allowed. Instead, I get to look like a reject from SuperHero school and flop around the back of a trained fish, or get dragged behind the damn thing. I picture the scene from City Slickers when Billy Crystal gets dragged around by out of control horses, except I am drowning and crashing into dolphin turds every turn.

Those of girls going on this trip who are of the hippie persuasion also have a bit of a problem with these creatures in captivity, trained to entertain the tourists/goofballs. It's like trained monkeys on the street. I mean, captivating for sure, but so...wrong and weird.

And the final reason I can't fathom DolphinRiding, DolphinSwimming, or DolphinPetting, is an "expose" I saw on tv a few years back about some male dolphins who work these tanks, being aggressive while in season and hooking their big private parts around the paying guests and tossing them around and dragging them to the bottom. Good times. The whole thought is so gross to me. But I can't wait to use up a roll or two of film while I watch the others. I vote for this activity just for the photo opp. I won't be in the tank but I'm ready to laugh my ass off!

Indiana Rides AGAIN! F*ck Yeah!!!

P.S.
Sorry to those girls I have not been completely honest with re my dolphin swimming inclinations! But I dont' want to be bossy or control what you all think is fun. Good for you!