I'm paying you for this????

So I know that the majority of my readers are in places much colder, wetter, and more miserable than what I have as a cold winter. (and by the majority of my readers, I mean the 4 of the 6 of you that are in Oregon, DC, and Colorado). But just because its Phoenix does not mean its warm in December. The highs are low 60s, but the nights are very chilly. Not anything to moan about unless of course you live in a non-energy efficient house that has cracks, gaps, and holes all over. Drafty is the best way to describe it. Which is why in the peak summer months the electric bill for my tiny little box of a home ranges from $200 to $300 a month.
So somewhere around Halloween, we decided the heat should be turned on in the morning or the evening, only to discover that the damn heat side of the unit isn't working. So today is Dec 15 and I've been living a snowman lifestyle. Admittedly, I'm not home much, but it freakin' cold in this place. Currently blogging along at a balmy 56 degrees in my house. The heating people are coming today. I hope they fix it as quickly as the electric guy handled my whole "lights out" problem. (Wednesday the electric went out in my kitchen, living room. And not that I need to cook or anything.. but relocating my toaster and coffee pot to the spare bedroom was just not very "adult" feeling, and felt like dorm life. besides, we missed tv and the Christmas tree needed lights) We had been outside and flipped all the fuses again and again to no avail. Although there was ONE that seemed flimsy and wouldn't catch. Duh! So we had to call a retired superhero from "Supercharged" Electric. It was amazing what he can do for only $55. He flips fuses, with apparently magic skill, and ta-da! Lights. Yes, my husband and I are morons. So when the heating dude shows up today, I'm pretty sure he's gonna find an equally simple issue. Pilot light? What's that? You know what heater dude? It really doesn't matter, just help a sister get some heat. I'm not very fun when I'm cold. and here's your $50. I'm tired of sleeping in layers and layers. The chimney guy is coming today too. We have never made a fire in our cool fireplace. Not only are we not really sure how to go about that, we aren't sure our chimney is clean or safe. We thought we should check. My dad was really annoyed at me for that. He indicated that fire-making is a primitive skill that two educated lawyers should be able to figure out. Well, he would be wrong. And it's expensive to be stupid. So there!

In addition to my troubles in keeping warm this month, I've had some other crosses to bear. I've been in the dental chair for an unprecedented amount of time. I mean, Four and a Half hours of straight work in one session, and two other sessions in the same month. It's been pretty horrible. On my last visit, I survived the chair only to get into the worst encounter with the office manager. She is one sadistic soul. As I'm swollen and bleeding and on the verge of tears and passing out, the woman demanded every dollar in my purse. I wish I was I kidding. I wish I wasn't convinced that she thought I was gonna skip out on the bill. But she wasn't going to let me leave the building until she recieved "my portion" of the payment not covered by insurance that instant. Which would have been FINE if she hadn't told me before the service it was $75.00. So when I advised that I only had $115.00 on me, and could call her from home with my credit card or could swing back by on my way to work in the morning for the remaining $100.00, and she freaked out and asked me what my problem was and why were these simple rules beyond comprehension for me, I was a little offended. She proceeded to explain that so often people fail to pay, that this is a clear policy. I reminded her that I was coming back to finish some work, so obviously that payment would not be an issue, besides the fact that I had already paid a ton of money, and simply was misinformed as to my estimate for the day, I was shocked when she implied I could not leave. Now, I'm proud of the strides I've made in leaving my instant ghetto attitude doesn't always rise up anymore. However, this woman really really challenged me. Unfortunately I know have to find a new dentist in the middle of a complicated treatment plan. All because of some miserable moron, who chose to go a little ape over nothing! It was kinda fun to fire her. The final straw was when she whispered to the dentist, in a complete non-discreet way, that the problem was a "financial issue". Of course, it absolutely was not. Mind you, I have had issues with being able to pay for dental care in my life. Thankfully I don't anymore! So for her to imply that was so offensive. I have to say I suspect that she had some beliefs about me based on my insurance. It happens to be from the reservation/tribe I work for, and this dentist is right near the rez, so a lot of people go to that dentist from the rez. I think that maybe some of them may have had payment issues so now she thinks all of us do! She was really weird about it. She also treated EL G like he couldn't speak English. Seriously, the woman was whack. Anyway...I'm looking for a new dentist.

I'm also hunting a new gyno. I had switched when the place I had gone for 4 years couldn't get me in for an annual for 8 - 10 months and that was on a waiting list. What a joke! So I chose a new one. My first concern was when they sent me the pre-packet for new patients it included an "Arbitration Agreement". Ummm... does that cause anyone concern? Meaning, if they jack me up and commit some form of malpractice, I elect not to sue them outright, but settle via a mediator. (Ok, not exactly, but close enough) I didn't sign it and I asked about it when I got there. I was informed it's not mandatory until I undergo any elective service. (????) That's shady because as an attorney I knew to ask. I'm guessing a lot of people don't and they therefore agree to this for all their treatment and then realize how hosed they are after they get jacked up and see an attorney. So what is elective? This Dr does all kinds of stuff to your vag if you want it. Plastic surgery to make it look nicer, lipo down there, re-attaching your hymen (I'm so not kidding) and permanent stoppage of your period via a laser that burns up a part of you. SO MIDDLE AGES TORTURE WITH LASERS! It kinda scared me. But you know what, I guess ugly vaginas need service somewhere. Who knew? Ok, the real reason I need a new one. During my exam, I was advised that I may have a brain tumor. !!!! Simple refresher course on anatomy people: your brain and your vagina are really not that near one another. So sticking a long cotton swab up a person's privates is not gonna really identify a brain tumor. Yet, this doc thinks she can. (ok, so she thinks that a tumor on the thyroid can cause certain issues that maybe can be identified in a vaginal exam...but still!) I've had this recurring non-serious issue for my whole life. People's bodies are different. I've been tested for a million things back in the day. No one has ever suggested a brain tumor. And I'm not going to let this hymen-sewing weirdo freak me out. Just keep to your vaginal beautification and leave the brain concerns to the brain docs. Right? Sheesh. (Ok, so what if I still went and got the blood test ....it couldn't hurt right? Not that I'm staying with Dr. Arbitration anyway!) I'm pretty sure I don't have the tumor, as no one has called and referred me to a neurosurgeon.
In addition, when I described a few months of abnormal symptoms of my cycle, such as such pain so bad I thought I was going to need to go to ER and barely being able to breathe... the caring doc made an annoyed face like I was an idiot, and said "well, why didn't you take something?...like Advil?" Oh really? I never thought of that! I'm a complete moron. Are you kidding me? Why did you ask me if my periods were normal? what was the appropriate answer from someone with a brain tumor? anyway, i love doctors.

Anyway, I've spent a lot of money this month and been put through a lot of pain and humiliation. I also have been on a round of antibiotics which prevented me from being able to partake in the sweet nectar of life, wine. For 9 days! And I so so needed it. But today, I have a license to indulge. Headed to a house party with good friends and a round of the Newlywed Game. Knows It All has some steam to let loose. Thanks for letting me vent.