KnowsItAll's Guide to the Perfect Happy Hour

First, it helps if you are eating very little overall. One of my favorite tactics is to go to a place where you know you hate the food. Why waste the calories on the food? PLus there's more power to the punch if you have an empty stomach. This is why I prefer sushi. Since I won't eat it...there's no risk that I am going to cheat on my diet or fill-up on food.

If you can, go for a full brazilian wax the day of the Happy Hour. It makes you nervous and tense and a little on edge, which leaves you prime for a good drunk. When the wax artist is all up in your businesss, you can start your thoughts of how a few glasses of your favorite drink will let you forget how she is molesting your parts and ripping you to shreds.

The best Happy Hours are at the end of a crap week. WHen you are feeling bored and uninspired and in need of some excitement. Good shit always goes down when you are in that state.

Who attends the Happy Hour is critical. You need someone to toss shit too... I always prefer some fresh meat too. People I have never met before and who haven't heard all my stupid gross jokes before. I like to think I'm funny, so people who have heard all my stuff before aren't as fun for me.

Once you are in full swing, it will really impress your husband if after only three glasses of wine, you are completely out of control drunk. No sophistication about it at all. Staggering around, telling everyone about your hot gay employee for no apparent reason, and loud-talking about absolute nothing. Well, unless you consider the brazilian. Everyone wants to hear about your personal grooming, right? Oh, and you can drunk text people bizarre messages that basically just scare them. Good times.

Happy Hour rules because it's all said and done within a few hours. If it was a good one, you'll know by the way all the people in line for the bathroom stare at you with concern. Some will even ask if you need some water. It's fun to tell them to fuck off.

On the ride home, your husband will be so impressed again when you make him pull over behind Safeway so you can puke standing straight up. If you cry while you do it, he'll love you even more. He won't even get that mad when you strip off your puke-splattered jeans since they are rubbing the raw sections that are in recovery from being waxed. He'll not be upset at all as you roll home in the front seat of the car with it completely reclined in your underwear.

If you make it up the two flights of stairs without your brother-in-law having to see you in your panties, you are in great shape. Your husband will be happy that he has the bed to himself tonite while you cuddle up to the toilet bowl. He'll hold your hair for your last round of puking. Happy Hour over.