It's okay. You did a good job.

She arrived that morning wearing a bright pink t-shirt, and a white skirt with pink polka dots. Silver necklace, with a whale charm on it. She has dark brown skin, and her smile is big and brave. Her young mother is with her and looks like she is about to vomit.

The seven-year old was promised donuts for this early morning court appearance, and so I bring her to the box, which is untouched, since first selection was reserved for her. In the middle, a pink one with sprinkles awaits. The wait is short. I had a feeling.

Trial begins at 8 am. She will be the second witness. He, her accused uncle will be there, and he will be able to see her. As well as the jurors, the court staff, the Judge, and a few other people. Her mom will not be allowed in the courtroom, but the Court-appointed Guardian will be. A sweet old lady who she has met a few times.

She tells the story. She looks at her uncle right in the face before she answers the questions no seven year old angel should ever have to answer. She should never have those memories. Of how he helped her that day with an art project for her mom. How he was showing her pictures of Disneyland where he was going to take her whole family. And...what happened when next, after he asked her brother to go outside. About how she was scared to tell her mom. Embarrassed.

And now, he cries as he looks at her as she remembers. As she is telling the facts to all in the room, she wiggles. She keeps looking down at the hard parts. She tries to put her drawings in front of her face when the ugly parts come up. He watches her the whole time. All 300 pounds of him, with his warrior hair cut. She holds her own. She looks at him and does not bend her story.

Afterwards, "It's okay. You did a good job. You can go home with your mom now, I think you are going swimming."

That sweet smile.

Later, after he testifies and admits everything that day, except for the part where he did a horrible thing to his sweet little innoccent niece, the jury believes him. Yes, he was drinking. Yes, I was helping her make a gift for her mother. Yes, I was showing her the Disneyland picture. Yes, I told him to leave. No, I didn;t do that to her.

The jury does not know he has done this before. To many other kids. The jury does not know how their verdict will affect the little niece. And they shouldn't. The jury is made up of tribal members, from a community of 4600. Small and familiar.
Maybe they didn't want to convict him for fear, stigma, or they knew something about the mother that I don't. I guess they just didn't believe her. There was nothing stated about why she might lie. How this was made up. No one even suggested that. Maybe tribal juries are just like all other juries and expect the CSI science of her DNA on his hand. Or an eye-witness. Those are common in these kinds of offenses, right? Or maybe they accept that he took the stand and said he did not do it.


I blame myself. What did I miss? Where did I go wrong?

Why did I go through with it? Why did I make her testify? Was it too long ago? Was it worth it? In tribal court, the worst I could have done to him was lock him up for one year. Was it worth it?

Now to me, everyone says, "It's okay. You did a good job."

Fuck me. Who cares about me? I don't. What about her? In times like these, I understand why so many people need to believe in some sense of justice in the afterlife. I hope God does a better job at justice than I did.

I just hope that she is loved and protected and does not suffer all the potential effects of this victimization. I hope she will be okay. I KNOW this will only affirm to other victims that is not worth it to tell. Makes a girl feel good about the work she does....

It's okay, I did a good job.