Are you there God, it's me...KnowsItAll.

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection. ----
Dalai Lama


Sometimes shit happens to people I love. Or to random people I hear about. Everyday actually. And even to me. So I pray. But to who? And is anyone listening? And is it a tit-for-tat type of thing?

I was raised Catholic. I think the story of Jesus is amazing. I believe that the god's love in unconditional. But beyond that....I am just not so sure. I think there is a small, very small, part of me that accepts that there is a slight possibility that there is no afterlife. That it's just lights out. And that is not scary. Sad, disappointing. But not scary.

There is an even smaller part of me that thinks of a fiery hell. I remember once when I was explaining my lack of belief in heaven to Lu and her response was "that's convenient." While I find that amusing, it also struck the appropriate chord. That was years ago. I haven't come too far since then.

I try to follow philosophy more than religious faith. Faith is a hard concept for me. I cannot have faith is a god of punishment, who denies entrance at the pearly gates and kicks you to hell to roast for eternal damnation. I mean, a few hours, a few weeks... the whole idea of purgatory is easier to swallow than that.

What really sucks is that I have this bad habit of assuming people who are TOO religious to be kind of stupid. I have no basis for this. I know they are not. Some of the most intelligent people I know follow their faiths.

So anyway, I keep coming back to Buddhist philosophy. Now the faith is a little too much for me.. but the ways of living as recommended by the Dalai Lama are so obvious, and reasonable to me, that it just makes sense. Prayer does sort of serve as meditation to me, but so does exercise. I don't know, it just seems like if you break any religion down, it boils down to take care of yourself and be nice to everyone else. I have a hard time when we start talking about what foods to eat, what clothes to put on what parts of my body, and all that jazz. But loving others, supporting others, continuing to learn, serving those who need help... all that seems like the will of God. Much more than a prohibition of meat on Fridays. But what do I know. I'm just a girl, who has never met a God. Heard about a few, they all seem like good guys.

Ok, but then I am so Madonna-esque in that I feel fairly positive that I would want my child baptized. I know I felt like I was in a place of God when I visited Notre Dame. I know that I feel a higher power when i pray in Native ceremonies. And I know I am drawn to Buddhist theory. I wish God blogged. Is it blasphemous to wonder why he doesn't just come on down here and sort all this out? Why the continued ambiguity? Are we really all going to tested over and over again, and have to prove we are "down" through faith? I mean that seems a little like getting jumped into a gang.

Well, unless any of you have a direct line for a god, I'm just going to go on being pretty sure there is something out there bigger than this life. And that the safest bet is to be cool to others, not be entirely self-absorbed, and try to make the world a better place. I hope that if that is not enough, I'll see a lot of you in the fiery pits!