Give the dog a bone..

Red Patent Leather Pumps? Frivilous. I don't need them. Weekly manicure? Frivilous. I could probably do my own nail care. Magazine subscriptions, NetFlix, HappyHour funds...all of this stuff are clearly the luxury items. So this is where I admit that I do not live entirely modest. Time spent in Scottsdale has exposed me to people who have A LOT of money to spend, and they spend it in ways I could not imagine. Now don't get me wrong, if I had tons more money, I'd step up my spending to be sure. But I draw the fucking line at this fucking pet bullshit.

Yesterday, I went to lunch in Scottsdale with some friends. One pointed out to me a store called "Canine Diva". This place pisses me off. In the window, they proudly display a dog bikini on a stuffed dog. What in the hell is wrong with you people? A fucking dog does not need, or for that matter "want" a bikini. Seriously, I can't believe that a store that sells only dog fashion can make the rent. Call me evil, but I want to step on the necks of all these customers. Into the hot pavement. Burn some fucking sense into them. Dogs don't need specialty beds, pools, wardrobes, or visits at a pet resort where they can get massages. It's insane.



Look, I have been subject to the silly factor of a dog in a Santa hat. Or spiky leather collars if the dog is a bad ass or whatever. But to think that your stupid dog would be as shallow and idiotic as you if they were human, thus you should dress them in your style...you should just die. I think you don't have any friends and I find you pathetic and not worthy of sharing space with me. I can tolerate a bow, a funny collar, and DOG SHOES if it is unreasonably hot for their paws. Other than that, you are an idiot.

The same is true for you fools who have birthday parties for your dog. I don't know if you realize this, but your dog doesn't know what a birthday cake is, or give a shit if you sing Happy Birthday to him. Stop trying to make your dog your human baby, or substitute friend. You're just humiliating yourself. TRUST ME. Even if you surround yourself with similarly-minded morons, other people will find out about your dog parties, and they are talking about you as a moron. The only time it's ok to have a dog party is if you are EIGHT.

Do you know that this weekend, I saw two bitches at the mall with dogs in dog strollers? Is it that they are too fucking retarded that they can't get a man to impregnate them so they troll around with dog babies? Someone notify the authorities, please.

Get a real hobby. Drinking seems to work for me, and it's much more respectable. Consider a charity, donate your time or your money. It's so much more appreciated and moral. You know there are humans out there that could really use some clothes. Coats, work clothes, etc. And in case you still don't get it...YOUR DOG DOES NOT WANT THESE STUPID CLOTHES FOOL.