The World Ain't Ready for Baby KnowsItAll

I spent the summer of 1994 in Orlando with an internship. It was my first time out of Oregon for more than a few days and I made a lot of new friends. I was learning what life was like out of my parents' world and the neighborhood I was from. New faces from other parts of the country and just being out of my element. Being young and free and vulnerable. Good stuff.

When I came home, all that was left behind because of a sweet little baby named Tyler. His idiot father and useless mother could not care for him so he and my cousin, his dad, came to live at my dad's house. Along with a constant flow of other relatives. His dad was/is a loser. Pot head. Spaz. And it was only a matter of weeks before I was the care-provider for Tyler. He was nine months old and his mom had split. (to be fair, her brother had just killed himself and cited Tyler as the part of the reason. He was jealous and lonely and clearly one fucked up dude.) So Tyler needed to be held, fed, bathed, watched, and everything else a mom does. His dad would just get up and go to work and take it for granted that someone was on it.

Sure it's irritating, but that little guy was alone in the world and no one cared. So he was mine. For 14 months. He saw his mom once a month for an overnight. His dad was stoned the whole time and was always disappearing. He called me Mama. I missed classes when there was no one to take care of him. I was not being young and partying, I was hanging with my boyfriend and taking care of this little guy. He learned to swim and walk, and then run, and he was awesome. He would sleep with his little hand on my pillow. He would cry when I went to school. He loved eggs, dinosaurs, trucks, and to ride in the truck. His smile melted me.

One day, his idiot dad was stoned out of his gourd and was going to drive Tyler somewhere. I protested. It got ugly. It went from a petty argument to the end. That night, they were gone. They went to Tyler's mom. Since that day, I have seen Tyler less than 10 times. He barely knows who I am. His parents are together and have remained so. His mom pulled her shit together and he is okay. But my heart was broken. Months went by and I was just blue. I still miss that kid.

It wasn't long after that that I started living the young single adult life. I moved to AZ, made a lot of friends, and saw more of the world. There were times in my life that I came really close to a lifestyle of marrying that boyfriend, becoming ham-and-eggers, having some babies, and well....you know....just moving along until we died. There would have been a whole lot of good things. Like kids I'd love to pieces. Simple pleasures.

My life is what it is though. I am care-taker and appointed worry-wart for a good handful needy relatives. I "parent" them. Trust me, I wish that wasn't true, but it is. So to have children and that burden would be overwhelming. So I accept the burdens I have, and appreciate the freedoms I have by not having babies. But I know that parenthood is a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-changing thing. If my life were not what it is, I'd probably be looking forward to it. Instead, I take advantage of my ability to choose other things. For me. Right now.

I feel sometimes misunderstood on this issue. Parenthood is a new element to some of my closest friends lately. That's amazing and the right thing for them at this point in their lives. I'm excited for all the beautiful things that will be a part of their lives. Tyler showed me what love for a child can bring. He wasn't even my own child and it was overwhelming. I suppose the heartbreak that came with that experience is probably not to be forgotten and may be a factor in my reluctance to become a parent.

So while I moan and groan about snotty noses, smelly diapers, whining, and all other things KID, it doesn't mean I think that choosing parenthood is a bad thing. I'm just not feeling that in my life right now. As long as you keep them at your own house, I'm good with you being parents. It's going to be great, and sometimes a pain in the ass, but mostly great. I'm totally ready to be Auntie KnowsItAll to all of 'em! I just want those of you who this is happening to know that I am happy for you and excited for your new lives. Please don't think that my opinion on my own parent-status to reflect on what you have.

Of course, I mean it when I say keep them at your own house. But you knew that right?