She'd been drinking too much Eggnog....

J's mom and grandma were here this weekend. The female representation of my fiance's past. Grandma Joan is clearly a Matriarch. She had a ton of kids. She was a nurse in San Fran way back when, met Oscar (who was in med school), got pregnant, and then they married. She went with him to Nogales, Mexico where he practiced medicine. She is as white as they come. How hard that must of been. SHe had a son, then she had twins, then she had triplets. Long Story Short: Grandma Joan is tired of everything and a bit grumpy.

She talks like a Drill Seargant. Everything is said like a command. Half the time coupled with a hand signal, whether it be a pointing finger, a fist shaking, a slicing of the air with her firm saluted palm, or a dismissive flapping hand.

She leaves nothing unsaid. If she thinks J's hair looks stupid, she tells him. If she thinks he would have passed the bar on the first time had he only studied more, she tells him. My favorite was her annoyance with his failure to want to be a Supreme Court Clerk.

Compliments are not Grandma's style. Unless it is self-given. FOr instance, I was not aware that she was a "wonderful Catholic." But she told me. I also didn't know that her genes were obviously good, since none of her kids have any major illnesses.

She is chronically disappointed in her lot. She recently watched a granddaughter play college basketball. "What a disappointment that was!" And the nerve of that child to have any fat on her. Poor Grandma.

We were waiting for our table at the restaurant. Another party nearby had a similar sounding name. The hostess called their name, since they were first on the list.

"WHAT!!!? Why the hell do they get to sit? Look at them, they're fat, they don't even need to eat!"

Once we were seated, a man passing by bumped our table. She flung around in her seat and called him an idiot. He was very gracious.

Grandma asked me is a special cajun pasta was "really hot". SInce it is not, I told her no. Of course, she ordered it and then gave me hell when it burned her lips.

Then Grandma finished her second double tall Vodka Tonic, and began to hit on the waitstaff. She told one that he had a nice package. Invited the other one home with her. She said the bark is as good as the bite.

She gives good advice though. She said I should not eat so fast, I'll get fat. And when we were shopping for my sister-in-law-to-be, in a Maternity store, Grandma made me model my backside to the salesgirl, so they could get an idea of how much the other girl is going to grow. Grandma recommends I buy some sale stuff now, off the rack, and I could probably wear it before I get pregnant.

For those of you who know me, you know I have a smart mouth. But I respect my elders. I can take a lot of Shit. A lot. But this woman challenges me. My tongue is bloodied from the biting.

Tday, I have listened to "Grandma got ran over by a Reindeer" 50 times.
This is my passive aggressive tactic to deal. Yeesh!