I can never figure myself out, but maybe it's not about me.
last week, I attended another seminar. I feel as if I am going to a seminar every month as of late, but they all have the same affect one me. My job requires me to learn a lot about Child Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and some other uplifting areas. One thing I should have been prepared for, and never am, is the fact that the more I learn, the more I personally reflect. I'm not in therapy, but I keep making connections about my life experiences and how some things relate to another.
Most of my family, and a lot of my close friends, are victims of some form of abuse. I was. It's never cool to compare levels of abuse, but I have to say, the things I was exposed to are miniscule compared to what a lot of people go through. But I have survived some things and I still endure challenges.
Today, what struck a chord was the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I have heard of it, seen it, and thought I knew a thing or two about it. I didn't. I don't want to pretend to be any expert, but I find myself seeing the symptoms in half of my family. It explains a lot, and it would not be surprising considering almost all of my aunts and uncles are alcoholics, with most of them putting themselves in the grave before they were 50 from alcohol abuse. Now, I don't think my mother at 17 was drinking heavily with me. Or drinking at all for that matter. But I'm pretty sure drinking "moderately" while pregnant is not considered wrong in my family, even now.
But then there are all these relatives who have horrible social skills, don't bond, are abusive, have terrible judgement skills, can't work, don't do school, and seem not to care. They are not bad people, they are just lost. And then these ones breed the same.. with magnified results.
It doesn't help my emotional reaction to this while I am driving my younger sister home (1200 miles) since she is having panic attacks every few hours, and can not deal with life. I deliver her to a my mom, who is hammered. That sick sort of drunk where she is all emotional, teary-eyed, and pledging her love. She had court Monday for DUI. Shock.
The escape was running to my father's place. My father who is a heroin addict, in recovery. So, everywhere I turn, with my job, with these seminars, with the news, it all seems so invasive and directed at me. I feel flooded with information and wonder if there is some higher purpose for my access to knowledge. I am conflicted on how to use it. Right now, it seems to just serve as comfort. The more I know about these issues, the more comfortable I am with them. I can try to understand and forgive my parents. I can do my best not to repeat the cycles. I have to learn to accept that I cannot heal them all.
So for now, I will postpone shopping for my Superhero outfit and wait on saving everyone I know and love. I will just marinate in this knowledge and then figure out how much I can bear to work on. Maybe this is not all meant to motivate me to save my family, but just knowledge for the sake of learning.
Most of my family, and a lot of my close friends, are victims of some form of abuse. I was. It's never cool to compare levels of abuse, but I have to say, the things I was exposed to are miniscule compared to what a lot of people go through. But I have survived some things and I still endure challenges.
Today, what struck a chord was the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I have heard of it, seen it, and thought I knew a thing or two about it. I didn't. I don't want to pretend to be any expert, but I find myself seeing the symptoms in half of my family. It explains a lot, and it would not be surprising considering almost all of my aunts and uncles are alcoholics, with most of them putting themselves in the grave before they were 50 from alcohol abuse. Now, I don't think my mother at 17 was drinking heavily with me. Or drinking at all for that matter. But I'm pretty sure drinking "moderately" while pregnant is not considered wrong in my family, even now.
But then there are all these relatives who have horrible social skills, don't bond, are abusive, have terrible judgement skills, can't work, don't do school, and seem not to care. They are not bad people, they are just lost. And then these ones breed the same.. with magnified results.
It doesn't help my emotional reaction to this while I am driving my younger sister home (1200 miles) since she is having panic attacks every few hours, and can not deal with life. I deliver her to a my mom, who is hammered. That sick sort of drunk where she is all emotional, teary-eyed, and pledging her love. She had court Monday for DUI. Shock.
The escape was running to my father's place. My father who is a heroin addict, in recovery. So, everywhere I turn, with my job, with these seminars, with the news, it all seems so invasive and directed at me. I feel flooded with information and wonder if there is some higher purpose for my access to knowledge. I am conflicted on how to use it. Right now, it seems to just serve as comfort. The more I know about these issues, the more comfortable I am with them. I can try to understand and forgive my parents. I can do my best not to repeat the cycles. I have to learn to accept that I cannot heal them all.
So for now, I will postpone shopping for my Superhero outfit and wait on saving everyone I know and love. I will just marinate in this knowledge and then figure out how much I can bear to work on. Maybe this is not all meant to motivate me to save my family, but just knowledge for the sake of learning.
posted by Knows It All @ 3:13 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home